I've tried so many times to chronicle my "road to recovery" but I'm not that witty with words, and frankly, I'm not as organized as I once thought I was. Becoming a mother, shot to hell all the things I thought myself of being good at.
Clean and tidy house.... Ha, that happens right before guest arrive and ends when they walk out the door.
Organized office, daily blogs, current emails.... I balance the time it takes for these things against a snuggle with my husband or a run, and frankly they take the back seat.
But here I am struggling to overcome a ridiculously stupid injury I got while doing front flips on a trampoline with my nieces, on my birthday no less... Anyways, after 4 weeks in a cast and a few more weeks of limping around, I finally made a run. Oh, by the way, did I mention that this injury came on the heals of Cyclospora which I contracted in early April after a horrific asthma attack at the Eugene marathon that put me into pulmonary distress. I pushed my way through a few triathlons, early in the summer, but the Cyclospora left me wiped out and sidelined for a good month. My runs were just starting to get back to normal when the accident happened. So really we're talking a good 4 month hiatus.
At first I was depressed, okay, so in reality the depression lasted the entire time I was in the cast. Did I mention I was non-weight bearing and it was my right ankle, yup, no driving, in the last 4 weeks of Texas summer.... managed to get the girls into 2 weeks of half day camp, but at this point all camps were booked, so I was stuck at home with my kids in Summer in Texas with no way to drive and to hot to shove them out the back door. Needles to say, wine, chocolate covered almonds and blueberries became my best friends!
So really, here I am struggling to overcome YET another injury and lose fat on top of it! Now here I am at 137lbs. with major muscle atropy, flabby old women cellulite legs that jiggle and wiggle when I run, and a messed up ankle that has left me with a lopsided shortened stride. The asthma attacks, and lack of cardio has left me panting and heaving, so not only do I look like a recovering stroke victim but I sound like an dying cow too!
So where does this leave me??? In a dark and dreary place. I feel like I'm NEVER going to get my body back, the boat has sailed, it was nice while it lasted, but cellulite, wiggle, and jiggle has set in and I'm left longing for yesterday!
You see, what I've realized is the older I get, the tougher it is to shape up, because my body and my fat have become such good friends, and who wants to break up a good friendship???
The truth is, I know I'm not "fat" but I'm certainly not lean, and I like being fit and fierce, and right now I'm not either. I'm focusing on the fatness mainly because it is so painful to do certain exercises and so downright discouraging to realize how much fitness I've lost.
I realize that some people look at me and think I'm crazy, what they don't seem to realize is I'm not comparing myself to anybody, I'm only comparing myself to me. I have no one to blame but myself. I fully admit and realize that I chose to feel sorry for myself and in weakness I turned to instant gratification..... and that is what troubles me. How easy I just gave up!
It has me questioning my ability to overcome and to succeed and I have realized I just can't accept that I am not going to run a sub 3:40 marathon and make it to Boston. It also has me questioning why I feel closest to the Lord when I run and so far away when I can't run....
Is my worth based upon my abilities or my actions? If I believe everyone is gauging my worthiness by my looks and my abilities, then what does that say about me? Why do I have so little faith in people? In my worthiness??
Again, the lyrics speak to me:
"Hello, my name is regretI'm pretty sure we have metEvery single day of your lifeI'm the whisper insideThat won't let you forget"
So there are still some lessons I'm to be learning. I'd like to be able to draw close to the Lord on this journey and celebrate the struggles, but I'm finding my human nature is often getting the best of me. So I'm trying to set myself up for success, I've got the quotes set out to inspire me, and I need to pray on them, meditate on them, and thank God every day that I still have the ability to struggle back to normal again....
Psalm 27:14: Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Isaiah 41:10: Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
Jeremiah 29:11-13: For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
Maybe the new song I need to adopt for my mantra is Chris Tomlin's Our God
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what can stand against?And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop usAnd if our God is with us, then what can stand against?What can stand against?
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